This month when I weighed, I was down 2 pounds to 158.8. I’m pleased with that number, very pleased. I’m also noticing changes in my body; my stretch marks on my stomach are shifting again and my upper thighs are finally, finally firming up! I guess it really does take the body a long time to adjust to losing over 100 pounds.

My food has been pretty darn clean this month, which explains the weight loss, I’m sure. I love when I have the willingness to do what’s good for me.

I also came across some pretty cool practical tools that make it easier for me to weigh and measure when I’m out and about.

Check out the Chef’n SleekStor™ Collapsible Cups. I love these things! Owning these means I can carry a measuring cup in my purse, even when it’s not the size of a suitcase! In addition to the measuring cups, I also bought the Chef’n SleekStor™ Swivel Spoons - another addition to my repertoire of food tools.

On top of that, I was able to revive my pocket scale, so I’ve got no excuse at all for not weighing and measuring no matter where I am. And weighing and measuring on a regular basis is really the only thing that works for me to stay squeaky clean with the food. There’s so much freedom in not wondering after a meal if I had too much or too little - the lack of head games is a refreshing, enlightened way to live. I hope to experience it the rest of my life.

One of the terms you hear frequently around 12 step rooms is this mysterious “spiritual experience”. I’ve had many spiritual experiences since walking into my first meeting, but somehow I still tend to naturally stray away from the spiritual side of things. It’s not something that comes naturally to me all the time, although it is improving all the time. Usually I am prompted by something someone says, or something I’ve read to return to the thing that brings me the most joy: letting go and letting God.

This morning I was reminded once again that I need to return to God’s grace after reading this passage in one of my daily readers:

God’s power in your life increases as your ability to understand His grace increases. The power of God’s grace is only limited by the understanding and will of each individual. God’s miracle-working power is only limited in each individual soul by the lack of spiritual vision of that soul. God respects free-will, the right of each person to accept or reject His miracle-working power. Only the sincere desire of the soul gives Him the opportunity to bestow it. I pray that I may not limit God’s power by my lack of vision. I pray that I may keep my mind open today to His influence.

Powerful! Each one of those sentences has enough substance in it that I could ponder them individually for a while before moving to the next. I love that all I need to do is grow my spiritual vision of my soul to know peace and God’s good grace. How do I grow my spiritual vision? I believe it’s by thoroughly trusting and accepting whatever live brings me each day, even when - or especially when I’m disappointed by circumstances. My human vision is limited. I see the trees and wish they were trees of another species. What I can’t see is that the entire forest is just beyond the few trees in front of me and there’s trees whose infinite beauty and strength I never even knew existed.

Today I’m going to be grateful for the trees in front of me and trust that I will see the rest of the forest when I’m meant to.

A friend asked me to be a speaker at an AA meeting tomorrow. I’ll tell my story of what it used to be like, what happened, and what it’s like now - concerning my alcoholism. I’m excited, but not - because the meeting is at 6 freaking AM on a Saturday! Who are these people who like going to meetings at 6 AM on the weekends? Not me, that’s for sure. When my friend asked, she said, “Do you want to?” I said, “No, but I will.” Since I’m so honest and all these days.

I’m going to tell my sponsor that I deserve bonus points for this one. Can’t wait for her reaction to that!

Our vacation was absolutely wonderful and everything with the food turned out just fine. I’m so glad that I took care of myself and prepared my food ahead of time, though, because I really needed it. There were quite a few instances where I would have been completely out of luck with eating any sort of food that falls on my food plan if I didn’t have my own food with me. That’s a big plug for planning right there! I know I freaked out a little, and got a bit anal about it all, but I’m glad I thought it all through.

There was one tough time at dinner on the last day we were there that actually put me in tears. My aunt had a nice, home-cooked meal on the table for everyone and I realized there wouldn’t be enough green vegetables for everyone else if I took my full two cups of green beans (fresh from the garden!). I asked my aunt if she had any more vegetables I could cook up and she looked at me like I had three heads and said, “There’s corn on the cob, salad, and mashed potatoes on the table. And cranberries are good for you, too.” Well, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes both count as a starch for me, not a vegetable. The salad had crumbled bacon, cheese, and a creamy salad dressing mixed through out already. The cranberries were in some sort of gelled concoction, not to mention the fact that the cranberry is a fruit.

I sort of went into an internal panic. I’m not close enough to my aunt to “talk back” - she’s really my mom’s aunt and is almost 80 years old, so I didn’t think there was too much I could say that would have made a difference anyway. I went back to the table briefly before running downstairs to the bathroom where I lost it for a few minutes. In that moment, I was just upset about being a compulsive overeater and hating that I wasn’t a “normal” eater who didn’t have to go through these issues. I hated being different than everyone else the whole weekend, and have everyone make observations about how I was eating. “Oh, you’re so good.” “I wish I could do that.” It gets old after a while.

After a few minutes, though, I started to get myself together and headed back upstairs. When I looked up, my husband was coming down. Seeing him made me burst into tears all over again. We headed back downstairs where he held me for a few minutes and listened to me moan about hating being different. Then I recomposed myself yet again and we headed up. I felt so self-conscious because it was obvious that everyone knew I was upset and had been crying. Then everyone started announcing that they didn’t need any green beans and that I should take as many as I needed. lol

I got through it, though, and the important thing is that I remained abstinent. It wasn’t comfortable or easy, but it was much better than the alternative. The experience also helped me to cultivate some gratitude for the fact that I don’t have to fight like that every day or every meal - I am surrounded by supportive people who help make it easy to stay on my plan. If I only have to experience that type of situation on rare occasions, I can handle it. In the meantime, I can also look at why the situation caused me to become so upset so I can do something about it the next time.

We’re planning a trip back to the same location in another couple of months, so perhaps I’ll get an opportunity to put some new skills into place then. Wouldn’t that be great?

We’re going on a trip for a few days this coming weekend and I’m starting to get a bit panicked about the food situation. It looks like we’re going to be going out to eat quite a bit, which I hate for two reasons. One - it’s expensive, and two - I can never fully guarantee that I’ll get exactly what I need there. It’s just safer to eat my food at home. I’m doing as much planning ahead as I can. Here’s my plan so far.

Friday
B: Pineapple Loaf (that I make at home and bring with)
L: Grilled sirloin steak, house salad, baked potato at Cracker Barrel
D: Out to eat somewhere
S: Blueberries & Yogurt (from home - they’ll be in a cooler all day)

Saturday
B: Blueberry Loaf (I’m hoping the hotel can heat it up for me)
L: Tuna, pepper strips & carrots, and brown rice* (packed from home)
D: Out to eat somewhere
S: Apple & yogurt (packed from home)

Sunday
B: Pineapple Loaf
L: Tuna, pepper strips & carrots, and brown rice
D: Out to eat a country restaurant
S: Apple & yogurt

Monday
B: Blueberry Loaf
L: Regular food (we’ll be at a relative’s house)
D: Regular food
S: Apple & yogurt

Tuesday
B: Pineapple Loaf
L: Out to eat on the way home
D: Dinner at home!
S: Blueberries & yogurt (at home!)

* I bought an electric burner today to bring with us. I’m debating if I really need it. I would use it to heat up my breakfast loaf somehow if the hotel won’t do it for me. I could use it to make my brown rice, but I also could make that ahead of time and bring it with me. The only thing is - it wouldn’t be as fresh and it would have to be stored in a cooler with ice. Yuck. Okay, I think I’m bringing the burner. I’m thinking we could even use it to make eggs for the rest of the family to save on going out for breakfast.

Okay, so that is 6 times out to eat in 5 days, I guess that’s not too bad. It could be worse. I’m glad I wrote it all out like this. Now I know what I need to pack and this will ease my fears greatly.