I’m in a new book club with some friends from program and we’ve chosen our first book: Invisible Acts of Power by Caroline Myss. I’m about 1/3 of the way through it, and so far I’m really liking it. The book is all about service - and you know how much of a proponent of service I am! So I get to pat myself on the back as I read along. Heh. But seriously, it’s a great read so far and I’m learning a lot of new things about chakras. Before this week, I don’t know that I knew anything, really, about chakras at all. I love all this new age-y type stuff, though, so I’m soaking it all in. I have a feeling I’ll want to buy a book devoted solely to chakras once I’m done this one.

Our bookclub meeting is in less than two weeks - I will be sure to check back in afterwards to tell you how it went. I’m very interested to hear other people’s take on the book, and the insights they gained from it. I’ll share mine in more depth at that time as well.

I read something I really needed to this morning… and as I sat there letting the message of the reading sink in, I realized a good friend would also benefit from reading it. So this is dedicated to my friend, she knows who she is.

I learn honest through dishonesty, tolerance through intolerance, patience through impatience. -Anonymous

Sometimes we have to see ourselves in action before our character defects become glaring enough to do something about them. While we may abhor our dishonesty, intolerance, impatience and our other selfish traits, without them we wouldn’t know the joy of having them replaced with honesty, tolerance, and patience.

God is willing to help us with our shortcomings, but the amount of help we get is related to how sincere we are in asking for them to be removed. When we are thoroughly dismayed by our attitudes and actions, we are closer to being entirely ready to have God remove our defects of character.

Today I’ll pay special attention to recogninzing my character defects so I can learn from them.

I really love the second line in the reading where we’re reminded that if we didn’t have the defects, we wouldn’t recognize the joy of living with the corresponding asset. And I do believe that our character defects are only assets gone awry over the years. They all served us for a time - we needed them at some point to feel safe, but today they just don’t serve me any more. I know better, healthier ways to stay safe that don’t involve engaging in compulsive behaviors - what a gift that is.

And this above all, to thine own self be true.
And it must follow as night the day,
thou canst not be false to any man.
–Shakespeare

When I first got into recovery, someone with a lot of time came up to me and said the first line of that stanza to me. I started crying because I knew that was at the core of my problems, and more importantly - that I had no idea how to be true to myself. Over the years, through lots of step work, meetings, and calls to sponsors, I learned this valuable life skill. I’m not perfect at practicing this - after all, I lived my whole life until 5 years ago doing it differently - but the strides I’ve made are immeasurable and in direct proportion to the serenity and contentment that embraces my life today.

I’ve got this ring that was given to me by a fellow compulsive overeater a couple of years ago. I hold it near and dear to me and wear it often. It symbolizes and sums up just about everything about how I choose to live my life today. I’m no longer a slave to the company I keep or my environment. I no longer have to be a social chameleon who changes to fit in with whatever crowd I’m in. Today I’m free to just be me and revel in the fact that I’m my own unique human being.

I truly believe that always trying to fit in, always being worried about what others think about me and molding myself accordingly damaged my soul. It was a cause of my soul sickness, and the reason I was dying a little death a hundred times over every day. No wonder I wanted to numb out with food, drugs, and alcohol! What a blessing it is to live so differently today. And what a gift I give to others by being true to myself - they get the real, authentic me, not some watered-down cookie-cutter version.

Let go of resentments

Resentments are sneaky, tricky little things. They can convince us they’re justified. They can dry up our hearts. They can sabotage our happiness. They can sabotage love.

Most of us have been at the receiving end of an injustice at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who’s complained of an injustice we’ve done to him or her. Life can be a breeding ground fro resentments, if we let it.

“Yes, but this time I really was wronged,” we complain.

Maybe you were. But harboring resentment isn’t the solution. If it were, our resentment list would resemble the Los Angeles telephone directory. Deal with your feelings. Learn whatever lesson is at hand. Then let the feelings go.

Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They’re a form or revenge. The problem is, no matter whom we’re resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.

Take a moment. Search your heart. Have you tricked yourself into harboring resentment? If you have, take another moment and let that resentment go.

God, grant me the serenity that acceptance brings.

From the book:

More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

I was talking to a sponsee last night about her resentments. She is new to the program and couldn’t understand what I meant when I said we let other people control us when we resent them. It’s really true, though. We give those people so much power over us and our feelings when we let them get under our skin. Another hard concept to grasp is that if we have a problem with someone, it’s just that - our problem. It doesn’t matter how much of a SOB the other person is; if it’s affecting us, it’s our issue. I still struggle with this constantly, because I want it to not be true. I want it to always be about the other person and how wrong they are.

Just like I hear in the rooms all the time, “Keep coming back!” - that’s what I’ll keep doing, because I need it.

I accepted an invitation to be a guest speaker at a retreat for my compulsive eating program. The retreat lasts for a whole weekend and is taking place several states away, so I’ll need to fly. In addition to flying, the retreat house is a good distance away from local airports so I had a couple of options to choose from that seriously tripped me up today.

Option A was to fly to an airport 3 hours away from the retreat and take the drive with someone there who offered to pick me up.

Option B was to fly to an airport 1 1/2 hours away from the retreat, rent a car and drive myself.

I would much prefer Option B because I am not too keen on riding for 3 hours with someone I don’t know to a place where I’ll be spending the entire weekend with more people I don’t know to share my personal recovery story. I also don’t like to rely on other people for something as crucial as a ride to and from an airport unless it’s someone I know who is reliable and dependable. Additionally, I’d like to shorten my travel time after flying as much as possible. It’s already going to be three long days with the flying. And I think I’d like the freedom of having my own car, free to come and go as I please and to have some nice quiet time to myself as I drive to my destination.

Seems like a no brainer, right? Well, here’s the catch: the difference in price between the two options is about $200. Since I am going as an invitee, all my expenses are paid for, but that doesn’t mean it’s carte blanche. I still need to be mindful of the expenses and therein lies my dilemma. I was asked to please consider Option A because of the cost savings, and so I felt like that had to be my choice. I contacted my sponsor and a few program friends to get their take on it.

I loved my sponsors answer. She basically said that the best thing to do for everyone involved - me, the people on the retreat committee, the people attending the retreat - is to be true to myself and honor my inner voice and inner child. Her suggestion was to tell the retreat committee that I needed to do Option B, without explaining myself. She reminded me that I didn’t have to apologize or justify my actions. I am simply taking care of myself and when I do that, I’m being kind to everyone around me, too.

When I wrote back to my sponsor, I told her that I was afraid to be considered “high maintenance” by choosing the pricier option, and was ready to just concede to their wishes. I was so grateful to have her perspective and validation affirming my gut reaction. As soon as I let the committee know my decision, all my tensions faded away and I knew in my “knower” that I made the right choice. High maintenance? Possibly, but I’m totally worth it.

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