Our vacation was absolutely wonderful and everything with the food turned out just fine. I’m so glad that I took care of myself and prepared my food ahead of time, though, because I really needed it. There were quite a few instances where I would have been completely out of luck with eating any sort of food that falls on my food plan if I didn’t have my own food with me. That’s a big plug for planning right there! I know I freaked out a little, and got a bit anal about it all, but I’m glad I thought it all through.

There was one tough time at dinner on the last day we were there that actually put me in tears. My aunt had a nice, home-cooked meal on the table for everyone and I realized there wouldn’t be enough green vegetables for everyone else if I took my full two cups of green beans (fresh from the garden!). I asked my aunt if she had any more vegetables I could cook up and she looked at me like I had three heads and said, “There’s corn on the cob, salad, and mashed potatoes on the table. And cranberries are good for you, too.” Well, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes both count as a starch for me, not a vegetable. The salad had crumbled bacon, cheese, and a creamy salad dressing mixed through out already. The cranberries were in some sort of gelled concoction, not to mention the fact that the cranberry is a fruit.

I sort of went into an internal panic. I’m not close enough to my aunt to “talk back” - she’s really my mom’s aunt and is almost 80 years old, so I didn’t think there was too much I could say that would have made a difference anyway. I went back to the table briefly before running downstairs to the bathroom where I lost it for a few minutes. In that moment, I was just upset about being a compulsive overeater and hating that I wasn’t a “normal” eater who didn’t have to go through these issues. I hated being different than everyone else the whole weekend, and have everyone make observations about how I was eating. “Oh, you’re so good.” “I wish I could do that.” It gets old after a while.

After a few minutes, though, I started to get myself together and headed back upstairs. When I looked up, my husband was coming down. Seeing him made me burst into tears all over again. We headed back downstairs where he held me for a few minutes and listened to me moan about hating being different. Then I recomposed myself yet again and we headed up. I felt so self-conscious because it was obvious that everyone knew I was upset and had been crying. Then everyone started announcing that they didn’t need any green beans and that I should take as many as I needed. lol

I got through it, though, and the important thing is that I remained abstinent. It wasn’t comfortable or easy, but it was much better than the alternative. The experience also helped me to cultivate some gratitude for the fact that I don’t have to fight like that every day or every meal - I am surrounded by supportive people who help make it easy to stay on my plan. If I only have to experience that type of situation on rare occasions, I can handle it. In the meantime, I can also look at why the situation caused me to become so upset so I can do something about it the next time.

We’re planning a trip back to the same location in another couple of months, so perhaps I’ll get an opportunity to put some new skills into place then. Wouldn’t that be great?

Wow, I’m late getting here to post my weight for September. It’s been a hectic month so far, with me holding onto my serenity with a very tenuous grasp.

Anyway, I lost the 2 pounds I gained in August, thankfully. I’m now back down to 160. I realized after I weighed that I have lost 120 pounds. For some reason, I’ve been saying 110 pounds for a while now. I have no idea how I calculated 280 minus 160 equals 110. Duh. So yeah, I’ve lost a full person, and almost half of my body weight. What’s wild about that is - when I was 280 pounds, I knew I was heavy, but I didn’t think I was that heavy. Denial and rationalization at its best, I suppose.

I’ll be back some time this weekend to post about my amazing experience last weekend. I was at a worldwide convention for one of my 12-step programs and it was simply incredible. In the midst of a lot of chaos in my life, I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by even more recovery. I’m so grateful for that - and I feel even closer to my Higher Power than I have in years. There’s something to be said for adversity!

There are a lot of slogans that I hear “around the rooms”. In early recovery they confused me, then I embraced them, followed by a period of thinking they were pretty corny. Today I’m back to embracing them, corny or not, they’re helpful. They help me right size my problems and to (dare I say it) Keep It Simple, Sweety.

Here are a few slogans I seem to use pretty regularly - whether it’s because I hear them from my sponsor or in the rooms - they resonate with me.

Mind Your Business - I was just reminded of this one a couple of days ago when I was getting wrapped up in what my husband was doing (and not doing). It’s amazing how my serenity immediately comes back when I put this slogan into action.
First Things First - When there are problems, it’s easy for me to get confused. I don’t know which way to turn next or what to do, and then I’m reminded - First Things First - what is the most spiritually sound choice I can make? Do that first.
Live and Let Live - This is closely related to minding my business. It means other people are free to make their own choices; I don’t have to have an opinion about what they’re doing and I don’t have to let what they’re doing affect what I do.
Let Go and Let God - Letting God in to guide me and the decisions I make is by far my biggest “secret” to living a sane, useful, and serene life.
There but for the Grace of God Go I - It’s easy for me to get judgmental and snub my nose at others - but then I’m humbly reminded that I didn’t do anything special to deserve my place in life. That knowledge knocks me off my high horse pretty quick.
To Thine Own Self be True - I spent most of my life following others, imitating them and doing whatever they did in the name of fitting in and being liked. I had no idea who I really was, and therefore I was largely unhappy. Today I know that not only my happiness, but the happiness of other people in my life is directly dependent on me staying true to myself.
One Day at a Time - Nothing is so bad that I can’t endure it for 24 hours. Tomorrow is always a new day, and for this I am grateful. I love living life one day at a time and not 3 days, months, or years in the past or future!
Identify, Don’t Compare - When I’m in a situation where I find myself feeling uncomfortable, it’s easy for me to start comparing myself to others on some imagined ladder of self worth. I put myself either above or below others, when really, I need to lay the ladder down and put us all on equal ground then start looking for what we have in common. My happiness in this life depends on peacefully coexisting with everyone else who inhabits this world with me. I’ve discovered a true joy for my fellow people by using this slogan, and have felt myself truly come alive. What a miracle!

Other people’s actions need not affect us.

I read this quote today just when I needed to; I was getting worked up over something my husband was doing at work. The truth is that it really is none of my business, and that I really don’t need to have an opinion on this. I want to have one so bad, though! Then I realized that it was affecting my serenity and I could hear my sponsor’s words in my head. “Nothing in this world is worth losing my serenity over.”

Each time I thought about as the rest of the day wore on, I just said a quick little prayer asking God to take the thoughts from me. And He did! By the time I was driving home, my serenity was still intact and I was no longer torturing myself with the thoughts. What a gift.

A big part of living a happy, joyous, and peaceful life is learning the art of acceptance. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us that “acceptance is the answer to all our problems today, and I believe that. It might sound a big far-fetched to say that simply gaining acceptance will be the answer to every single one of our problems, no matter how large or small, but if you really think about it - it’s true.

When we are struggling with an issue in our lives, it’s because we lack acceptance of the issue. Say, for instance, your mother-in-law drives you crazy because she still wants to control your husband. If you accepted the fact that your mother-in-law was a control freak and that no matter what you do, you can’t change it, it suddenly becomes a non-issue.

I have been amazed at how praying for and receiving acceptance has worked in my life. When the dog chews up my favorite pair of shoes, I have a choice: get pissed off or accept the fact that the shoes are gone and move on. I could choose to stay angry at the dog and waste hours of my day harboring bad feelings for her, telling everyone I come across about my problems with her. Or I could accept the fact that the shoes were left in her reach (my fault), she’s just a dog who hasn’t learned better impulse control yet, and that the shoes are not going to come back no matter how hard I wish for them unless I can find them at the store again. When I choose the latter attitude, I have much more peace in my life. And that’s what I’m striving for today: I want to live a peaceful, serene life. Thankfully I know today that I have the power to change my thoughts and actions to bring about the life I want. This doesn’t mean that I won’t have problems - on the contrary! Life still happens and things I don’t like keep coming my way, but what I choose to do and think about all of those things are what makes the difference.

Today I choose serenity. I choose joy. I choose peace. Because today I choose acceptance.