As a rule I don’t handle conflict very well. It stresses me out and makes me nervous. Yesterday was chock full of conflict, and it’s no surprise that today I’m feeling unsettled.

The first incident had nothing to do with me; my coworkers and boss had some strong words in our weekly department meeting. I was able to notice my discomfort, yet mind my own business and keep my mouth shut. That is a lot of progress for me. My instinct is to either antagonize or appease. I want to pick sides, roll up my sleeves and get in the thick of it, letting the side I didn’t choose know how wrong they are. Or I want to crack a joke to ease the tension in the room, distract the offending parties and move on to more pleasant items of business. I was a bit rattled up after the meeting, little did I know it was just a small taste of what awaited me.

In the afternoon, the owner of the company flipped his lid complete with cursing and slamming things down at and around me. The whole incident shocked me, and I felt wholly unprepared for it. It’s making me realize there are bigger issues at stake - God is “raining bricks” down on my head to get my attention where this job is concerned.

And to top off the evening, my oldest son decided it was acceptable to go into a rage and yell at me and his brother when he was told to give his brother a turn on the XBox. I felt like I handled that situation well, but I still hated that it happened. Again, I was taken aback at the behavior - it was completely unexpected. Later that night, my husband and I had a misunderstanding about the disciplining practices around the whole situation, so that just compounded the issue. Today I will need to work on forgiveness because I’m feeling pretty angry and resentful at my son. It’s going to take a lot of prayer, because I don’t feel any sort of peace in me at this moment.

This morning I spent time exercising and praying and now I’m writing - I’m just trying to do the next right thing in hopes that today is a better day.

I’ve been a little too concerned about my body size and shape lately. I hate when I spend too much time and energy focused on that because it means I’ve lost some serenity. It also means I need to step up my recovery program, which is something I don’t like admitting, either.

I did some journaling this morning and my thoughts about this came out there, too. I’m glad, because I believe that putting the negative thoughts onto paper is an important part of the process of getting over the negativity. Here’s an excerpt of what I wrote:

Thank you [I was writing a letter to God] for the willingness to take the dog for a walk this morning. I hated how fat and sluggish I felt the past two nights going to bed. I don’t know if it’s my period coming on or what, but my stomach feels heavier than normal. I’m noticing, though, that I’m becoming a little too concerned and involved in my body size. My distorted mind sees me as fat, even though the scale and my clothing size tells me different. Will I ever get over this? I keep thinking it will change and I’ll love my body if I exercise regularly and everything is firm and toned and I’m in good shape, etc. I’ve been skinny in the past, but never in great shape with well-defined muscles and minimal fat and cellulite except for a brief period in my middle teenage years.

The question really is, though - why does it matter? What difference does it make? It’s all tied into EGO as usual. If I had no ego, I’d be perfectly content with being a normal body weight. But my ego wants more. It wants to be at or below a normal body weight, be in perfect physical condition, have gorgeous hair, skin and makeup, etc. Thinking about these ideals, I can say with certainty that I’ll never be there. Who really is besides super models and celebrities? Does that mean I’ll never be satisfied with my body? That’s a sad and scary thought. God, please help me be more accepting of my body and to let go of unreasonable expectations. Help me to stop comparing myself to all the young girls at work who do have what I consider perfect bodies. They haven’t bore children, and they most likely have not gone through the hell of active food addiction like I have.

It’s helpful to re-read what I wrote, because it really drives the point home that I have unreasonable expectations where my body is concerned. I know a good deal of that is from the media bombardment and another great portion from my diseased mind. If I could remember those things and remind myself that balance and moderation in all things is what ultimately brings me the peace and serenity I crave, I’ll be well on my way towards accepting my body exactly as it is today.

This month when I weighed, I was down 2 pounds to 158.8. I’m pleased with that number, very pleased. I’m also noticing changes in my body; my stretch marks on my stomach are shifting again and my upper thighs are finally, finally firming up! I guess it really does take the body a long time to adjust to losing over 100 pounds.

My food has been pretty darn clean this month, which explains the weight loss, I’m sure. I love when I have the willingness to do what’s good for me.

I also came across some pretty cool practical tools that make it easier for me to weigh and measure when I’m out and about.

Check out the Chef’n SleekStor™ Collapsible Cups. I love these things! Owning these means I can carry a measuring cup in my purse, even when it’s not the size of a suitcase! In addition to the measuring cups, I also bought the Chef’n SleekStor™ Swivel Spoons - another addition to my repertoire of food tools.

On top of that, I was able to revive my pocket scale, so I’ve got no excuse at all for not weighing and measuring no matter where I am. And weighing and measuring on a regular basis is really the only thing that works for me to stay squeaky clean with the food. There’s so much freedom in not wondering after a meal if I had too much or too little - the lack of head games is a refreshing, enlightened way to live. I hope to experience it the rest of my life.

One of the terms you hear frequently around 12 step rooms is this mysterious “spiritual experience”. I’ve had many spiritual experiences since walking into my first meeting, but somehow I still tend to naturally stray away from the spiritual side of things. It’s not something that comes naturally to me all the time, although it is improving all the time. Usually I am prompted by something someone says, or something I’ve read to return to the thing that brings me the most joy: letting go and letting God.

This morning I was reminded once again that I need to return to God’s grace after reading this passage in one of my daily readers:

God’s power in your life increases as your ability to understand His grace increases. The power of God’s grace is only limited by the understanding and will of each individual. God’s miracle-working power is only limited in each individual soul by the lack of spiritual vision of that soul. God respects free-will, the right of each person to accept or reject His miracle-working power. Only the sincere desire of the soul gives Him the opportunity to bestow it. I pray that I may not limit God’s power by my lack of vision. I pray that I may keep my mind open today to His influence.

Powerful! Each one of those sentences has enough substance in it that I could ponder them individually for a while before moving to the next. I love that all I need to do is grow my spiritual vision of my soul to know peace and God’s good grace. How do I grow my spiritual vision? I believe it’s by thoroughly trusting and accepting whatever live brings me each day, even when - or especially when I’m disappointed by circumstances. My human vision is limited. I see the trees and wish they were trees of another species. What I can’t see is that the entire forest is just beyond the few trees in front of me and there’s trees whose infinite beauty and strength I never even knew existed.

Today I’m going to be grateful for the trees in front of me and trust that I will see the rest of the forest when I’m meant to.

A friend asked me to be a speaker at an AA meeting tomorrow. I’ll tell my story of what it used to be like, what happened, and what it’s like now - concerning my alcoholism. I’m excited, but not - because the meeting is at 6 freaking AM on a Saturday! Who are these people who like going to meetings at 6 AM on the weekends? Not me, that’s for sure. When my friend asked, she said, “Do you want to?” I said, “No, but I will.” Since I’m so honest and all these days.

I’m going to tell my sponsor that I deserve bonus points for this one. Can’t wait for her reaction to that!