For some reason, I’ve been getting hungry about an hour before my meal time for almost a week now. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it sure is annoying. The funny thing is, I thought for sure this meant I would be sure to see a big drop in weight this month; I lost a whopping 1/2 pound. Ha! Maybe if I don’t change anything this month, the weight loss would show up next month, though, since this hunger thing is a new development.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to go a full month without making a change if this continues, though. I don’t do well with hunger. It scares me and triggers negative reactions in my mind. I know I won’t die between meals, but logic doesn’t help a whole lot when hunger comes to town. It’s such a driving, primal force!

My sick mind is so torn between wanting to keep my food the same so I will lose weight and making a change so I can eat more. Both sides of my compulsive eating disease are rearing their ugly heads. I left a message for my sponsor about the hunger, so I’m sure we’ll come up with a plan of action for this - and I can return to sanity.

I’ve been a little too concerned about my body size and shape lately. I hate when I spend too much time and energy focused on that because it means I’ve lost some serenity. It also means I need to step up my recovery program, which is something I don’t like admitting, either.

I did some journaling this morning and my thoughts about this came out there, too. I’m glad, because I believe that putting the negative thoughts onto paper is an important part of the process of getting over the negativity. Here’s an excerpt of what I wrote:

Thank you [I was writing a letter to God] for the willingness to take the dog for a walk this morning. I hated how fat and sluggish I felt the past two nights going to bed. I don’t know if it’s my period coming on or what, but my stomach feels heavier than normal. I’m noticing, though, that I’m becoming a little too concerned and involved in my body size. My distorted mind sees me as fat, even though the scale and my clothing size tells me different. Will I ever get over this? I keep thinking it will change and I’ll love my body if I exercise regularly and everything is firm and toned and I’m in good shape, etc. I’ve been skinny in the past, but never in great shape with well-defined muscles and minimal fat and cellulite except for a brief period in my middle teenage years.

The question really is, though - why does it matter? What difference does it make? It’s all tied into EGO as usual. If I had no ego, I’d be perfectly content with being a normal body weight. But my ego wants more. It wants to be at or below a normal body weight, be in perfect physical condition, have gorgeous hair, skin and makeup, etc. Thinking about these ideals, I can say with certainty that I’ll never be there. Who really is besides super models and celebrities? Does that mean I’ll never be satisfied with my body? That’s a sad and scary thought. God, please help me be more accepting of my body and to let go of unreasonable expectations. Help me to stop comparing myself to all the young girls at work who do have what I consider perfect bodies. They haven’t bore children, and they most likely have not gone through the hell of active food addiction like I have.

It’s helpful to re-read what I wrote, because it really drives the point home that I have unreasonable expectations where my body is concerned. I know a good deal of that is from the media bombardment and another great portion from my diseased mind. If I could remember those things and remind myself that balance and moderation in all things is what ultimately brings me the peace and serenity I crave, I’ll be well on my way towards accepting my body exactly as it is today.

This obesity map I found on CNN just makes me sad. What will that map look like in 10 or 20 years from now? Completely red? I sure hope not. It scares me to think how unhealthy our nation is, as a whole. And I’m saddened thinking about how many untreated food addicts are out there, floundering around, trying to figure out what’s wrong with them. The dramatic increase in hydrogenated oils in our food supply in recent years plays a large part in this problem. Most people just buy what’s on the shelves in the stores without giving too much thought about the ingredients. That choice is proving to be fatal, as the food industry does not have our best interests at heart. There’s one thing on their minds and that is the almighty dollar. The more addictive they can make a food, the more it will sell. It’s like a group of people in the industry suddenly realized 20 years ago that there are certain foods that are highly addictive like sugar, white flour, and hydrogenated oils, and said, “Let’s load our foods up with these - we’ll sell more of them!” And they did. Now our country is paying the price for that greed, and I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to go back.

Even though I’m a huge advocate and believer (and practicer!) of the 12-Steps method of recovery, I am open-minded to other solutions. I know that the 12-Step rooms are not for everyone, and that’s okay. There are a number of different solutions out there. The First Step 28-day Drug Rehab program is one such alternative. They’ve got a 5 stage process that includes:

* Detoxification and Withdrawal
* Self Control and Communication Exercises
* Sauna Cleansing Process
* Study Improvement
* Drug Free Remedies for Discomforts

I’m intrigued by the sauna cleansing process - and I wonder if this would have helped me in the early days of detox. It probably would have, but it’s too late for that now. I’d be interested to know what the success rate of this program is and how it compares to the 12-steps.

More than any other people, I believe addicts live in fantasy worlds for a good portion of their lives. We have a picture of how things should be in our minds and often times go about our daily lives as if these notions are true. We also have extensive interactions with other people in our own little minds, too. It’s actually kind of frightening and simultaneously fascinating the things that go on in our heads.

For quite some time now, I get caught up in what life was like for me 20-some years ago every Spring. The smallest things spark my imagination and then I’m off to the races, going through the motions of my day as if it were 20 years ago. Not completely, because I do still go to my job, and go home and let the dog out for lunch, etc. - I’m physically present for my today life, but my mind is a million miles away.

Recently it occurred to me, rather sharply, too, that I keep thinking about the past because some small part of my brain believes that one day I will get to re-live it. There is definitely a part of me that fantasizes about being able to re-live those “glory days”. And just as suddenly as I had this realization, the truth came smashing down: I will never get to re-live those days again. I am stuck in my present live, like it or not. The thing is, I really do like it - but the mind of an addict is a strange beast. For today I need to be content with my memories and maybe one day, after much more spiritual growth, I will not even feel the need to indulge in those.