I’ve been a little too concerned about my body size and shape lately. I hate when I spend too much time and energy focused on that because it means I’ve lost some serenity. It also means I need to step up my recovery program, which is something I don’t like admitting, either.

I did some journaling this morning and my thoughts about this came out there, too. I’m glad, because I believe that putting the negative thoughts onto paper is an important part of the process of getting over the negativity. Here’s an excerpt of what I wrote:

Thank you [I was writing a letter to God] for the willingness to take the dog for a walk this morning. I hated how fat and sluggish I felt the past two nights going to bed. I don’t know if it’s my period coming on or what, but my stomach feels heavier than normal. I’m noticing, though, that I’m becoming a little too concerned and involved in my body size. My distorted mind sees me as fat, even though the scale and my clothing size tells me different. Will I ever get over this? I keep thinking it will change and I’ll love my body if I exercise regularly and everything is firm and toned and I’m in good shape, etc. I’ve been skinny in the past, but never in great shape with well-defined muscles and minimal fat and cellulite except for a brief period in my middle teenage years.

The question really is, though - why does it matter? What difference does it make? It’s all tied into EGO as usual. If I had no ego, I’d be perfectly content with being a normal body weight. But my ego wants more. It wants to be at or below a normal body weight, be in perfect physical condition, have gorgeous hair, skin and makeup, etc. Thinking about these ideals, I can say with certainty that I’ll never be there. Who really is besides super models and celebrities? Does that mean I’ll never be satisfied with my body? That’s a sad and scary thought. God, please help me be more accepting of my body and to let go of unreasonable expectations. Help me to stop comparing myself to all the young girls at work who do have what I consider perfect bodies. They haven’t bore children, and they most likely have not gone through the hell of active food addiction like I have.

It’s helpful to re-read what I wrote, because it really drives the point home that I have unreasonable expectations where my body is concerned. I know a good deal of that is from the media bombardment and another great portion from my diseased mind. If I could remember those things and remind myself that balance and moderation in all things is what ultimately brings me the peace and serenity I crave, I’ll be well on my way towards accepting my body exactly as it is today.