As a rule I don’t handle conflict very well. It stresses me out and makes me nervous. Yesterday was chock full of conflict, and it’s no surprise that today I’m feeling unsettled.

The first incident had nothing to do with me; my coworkers and boss had some strong words in our weekly department meeting. I was able to notice my discomfort, yet mind my own business and keep my mouth shut. That is a lot of progress for me. My instinct is to either antagonize or appease. I want to pick sides, roll up my sleeves and get in the thick of it, letting the side I didn’t choose know how wrong they are. Or I want to crack a joke to ease the tension in the room, distract the offending parties and move on to more pleasant items of business. I was a bit rattled up after the meeting, little did I know it was just a small taste of what awaited me.

In the afternoon, the owner of the company flipped his lid complete with cursing and slamming things down at and around me. The whole incident shocked me, and I felt wholly unprepared for it. It’s making me realize there are bigger issues at stake - God is “raining bricks” down on my head to get my attention where this job is concerned.

And to top off the evening, my oldest son decided it was acceptable to go into a rage and yell at me and his brother when he was told to give his brother a turn on the XBox. I felt like I handled that situation well, but I still hated that it happened. Again, I was taken aback at the behavior - it was completely unexpected. Later that night, my husband and I had a misunderstanding about the disciplining practices around the whole situation, so that just compounded the issue. Today I will need to work on forgiveness because I’m feeling pretty angry and resentful at my son. It’s going to take a lot of prayer, because I don’t feel any sort of peace in me at this moment.

This morning I spent time exercising and praying and now I’m writing - I’m just trying to do the next right thing in hopes that today is a better day.

I’ve been a little too concerned about my body size and shape lately. I hate when I spend too much time and energy focused on that because it means I’ve lost some serenity. It also means I need to step up my recovery program, which is something I don’t like admitting, either.

I did some journaling this morning and my thoughts about this came out there, too. I’m glad, because I believe that putting the negative thoughts onto paper is an important part of the process of getting over the negativity. Here’s an excerpt of what I wrote:

Thank you [I was writing a letter to God] for the willingness to take the dog for a walk this morning. I hated how fat and sluggish I felt the past two nights going to bed. I don’t know if it’s my period coming on or what, but my stomach feels heavier than normal. I’m noticing, though, that I’m becoming a little too concerned and involved in my body size. My distorted mind sees me as fat, even though the scale and my clothing size tells me different. Will I ever get over this? I keep thinking it will change and I’ll love my body if I exercise regularly and everything is firm and toned and I’m in good shape, etc. I’ve been skinny in the past, but never in great shape with well-defined muscles and minimal fat and cellulite except for a brief period in my middle teenage years.

The question really is, though - why does it matter? What difference does it make? It’s all tied into EGO as usual. If I had no ego, I’d be perfectly content with being a normal body weight. But my ego wants more. It wants to be at or below a normal body weight, be in perfect physical condition, have gorgeous hair, skin and makeup, etc. Thinking about these ideals, I can say with certainty that I’ll never be there. Who really is besides super models and celebrities? Does that mean I’ll never be satisfied with my body? That’s a sad and scary thought. God, please help me be more accepting of my body and to let go of unreasonable expectations. Help me to stop comparing myself to all the young girls at work who do have what I consider perfect bodies. They haven’t bore children, and they most likely have not gone through the hell of active food addiction like I have.

It’s helpful to re-read what I wrote, because it really drives the point home that I have unreasonable expectations where my body is concerned. I know a good deal of that is from the media bombardment and another great portion from my diseased mind. If I could remember those things and remind myself that balance and moderation in all things is what ultimately brings me the peace and serenity I crave, I’ll be well on my way towards accepting my body exactly as it is today.

I’ve worn hearing aids since I was five years old. Well except for some periods where I went without them for various reasons. When I was a teenager, I decided to not wear them because I was self-conscious. Being dumb is apparently part of the teenage condition. These days I don’t care what anyone thinks or says about my aids, I can’t function well without them.

When I got my first set of hearing aids, they were the over the ear kind, because the in the ear models hadn’t been invented yet. I was so grateful when that kind came out so I could conceal the aid a bit more. Last year I had to replace my aids and the audiologist highly recommended I get the over the ear kind again because my hearing loss had significantly increased.

I’ve grown a lot since those teenage years because the only concerns I had about wearing the over the ear model this time had nothing to do with how it would look when wearing them. I was more concerned with the weight of the aids on my ears and the inability to use a Bluetooth wireless headset. However, when I got a taste of all the features these new digital hearing aids boasted, I soon forgot about the feared inconveniences. My hearing aids have mini computers inside each of them and they’re constantly talking to each other to stay in sync depending upon the noises in my environment. When I go in for a check up, they plug the aid into the computer and a program shows exactly how long I’ve worn the aids, and at what settings I’ve kept them on. The volume and other, detailed noise levels can all be set right on the computer. I’m so amazed by that.

I’m also so pleased with my new maturity about my looks is concerned. When the doctor saw my disappointment over having to get the over the ear models, he assumed I was worried about how I would look. It felt good to know that I no longer care what other people think about me, and that my looks was the last thing on my mind. Ironically, I look better today than I have in over a decade! Gotta love it.

This month when I weighed, I was down 2 pounds to 158.8. I’m pleased with that number, very pleased. I’m also noticing changes in my body; my stretch marks on my stomach are shifting again and my upper thighs are finally, finally firming up! I guess it really does take the body a long time to adjust to losing over 100 pounds.

My food has been pretty darn clean this month, which explains the weight loss, I’m sure. I love when I have the willingness to do what’s good for me.

I also came across some pretty cool practical tools that make it easier for me to weigh and measure when I’m out and about.

Check out the Chef’n SleekStor™ Collapsible Cups. I love these things! Owning these means I can carry a measuring cup in my purse, even when it’s not the size of a suitcase! In addition to the measuring cups, I also bought the Chef’n SleekStor™ Swivel Spoons - another addition to my repertoire of food tools.

On top of that, I was able to revive my pocket scale, so I’ve got no excuse at all for not weighing and measuring no matter where I am. And weighing and measuring on a regular basis is really the only thing that works for me to stay squeaky clean with the food. There’s so much freedom in not wondering after a meal if I had too much or too little - the lack of head games is a refreshing, enlightened way to live. I hope to experience it the rest of my life.