Even though I’m a huge advocate and believer (and practicer!) of the 12-Steps method of recovery, I am open-minded to other solutions. I know that the 12-Step rooms are not for everyone, and that’s okay. There are a number of different solutions out there. The First Step 28-day Drug Rehab program is one such alternative. They’ve got a 5 stage process that includes:

* Detoxification and Withdrawal
* Self Control and Communication Exercises
* Sauna Cleansing Process
* Study Improvement
* Drug Free Remedies for Discomforts

I’m intrigued by the sauna cleansing process - and I wonder if this would have helped me in the early days of detox. It probably would have, but it’s too late for that now. I’d be interested to know what the success rate of this program is and how it compares to the 12-steps.

And this above all, to thine own self be true.
And it must follow as night the day,
thou canst not be false to any man.
–Shakespeare

When I first got into recovery, someone with a lot of time came up to me and said the first line of that stanza to me. I started crying because I knew that was at the core of my problems, and more importantly - that I had no idea how to be true to myself. Over the years, through lots of step work, meetings, and calls to sponsors, I learned this valuable life skill. I’m not perfect at practicing this - after all, I lived my whole life until 5 years ago doing it differently - but the strides I’ve made are immeasurable and in direct proportion to the serenity and contentment that embraces my life today.

I’ve got this ring that was given to me by a fellow compulsive overeater a couple of years ago. I hold it near and dear to me and wear it often. It symbolizes and sums up just about everything about how I choose to live my life today. I’m no longer a slave to the company I keep or my environment. I no longer have to be a social chameleon who changes to fit in with whatever crowd I’m in. Today I’m free to just be me and revel in the fact that I’m my own unique human being.

I truly believe that always trying to fit in, always being worried about what others think about me and molding myself accordingly damaged my soul. It was a cause of my soul sickness, and the reason I was dying a little death a hundred times over every day. No wonder I wanted to numb out with food, drugs, and alcohol! What a blessing it is to live so differently today. And what a gift I give to others by being true to myself - they get the real, authentic me, not some watered-down cookie-cutter version.

I need to figure out some more options for “portable starches” in my food plan. Right now the only thing I really eat for starches are brown rice, potatoes, beans or legumes. For example, I will eat meals like this most of the time:

Meat, rice, veggies all mixed up
Meat or tofu, potatoes (sliced or whole, baked), and chopped veggies
Salad with refried beans and meat on top
Chili with meat, veggies and beans

Basically, these are all great meals for eating at home or in a restaurant. However, there are times when I need to eat on the road - like tonight! We are going to a screening of a movie that starts promptly at dinner time for me. The theater is about 1/2 hour or more traveling time from here, so I’ll need to eat my dinner in the car or sneak it into the theater and eat it there. I was planning on bringing chopped up raw veggies and some tuna, but I can’t figure out what to bring for my starch. Times like this make me wish I still had rice cakes on my food plan because they are so portable. I wonder what my sponsor would say to me adding those back - only one way to find out. She’s out of pocket today, though, so I need to come up with a plan that fits my current food plan for tonight.

Any ideas?

More than any other people, I believe addicts live in fantasy worlds for a good portion of their lives. We have a picture of how things should be in our minds and often times go about our daily lives as if these notions are true. We also have extensive interactions with other people in our own little minds, too. It’s actually kind of frightening and simultaneously fascinating the things that go on in our heads.

For quite some time now, I get caught up in what life was like for me 20-some years ago every Spring. The smallest things spark my imagination and then I’m off to the races, going through the motions of my day as if it were 20 years ago. Not completely, because I do still go to my job, and go home and let the dog out for lunch, etc. - I’m physically present for my today life, but my mind is a million miles away.

Recently it occurred to me, rather sharply, too, that I keep thinking about the past because some small part of my brain believes that one day I will get to re-live it. There is definitely a part of me that fantasizes about being able to re-live those “glory days”. And just as suddenly as I had this realization, the truth came smashing down: I will never get to re-live those days again. I am stuck in my present live, like it or not. The thing is, I really do like it - but the mind of an addict is a strange beast. For today I need to be content with my memories and maybe one day, after much more spiritual growth, I will not even feel the need to indulge in those.

Have you been paying attention to this honeybee thing? They are dying off in large numbers. At first I thought, “Yay! Not as many bees in my yard this year!” Then, I started reading more about the situation and realized how much the honeybees affect our food supply and I got scared. The line from the article that says, “reducing us to a glorified bread-and-water diet” scared the hell out of me.

Here are a list of some of the foods the honeybees pollinate, thereby ensuring the crops are plentiful:

Apples, nuts, avocados, soybeans, asparagus, broccoli, celery, squash and cucumbers, citrus fruit, peaches, kiwi, cherries, blueberries, cranberries, strawberries, cantaloupe and other melons.

That’s a big part of my diet right there! Not good at all. I sure hope they find out what is causing the bees to die off so something can be done about it. Scary.

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