I accepted an invitation to be a guest speaker at a retreat for my compulsive eating program. The retreat lasts for a whole weekend and is taking place several states away, so I’ll need to fly. In addition to flying, the retreat house is a good distance away from local airports so I had a couple of options to choose from that seriously tripped me up today.

Option A was to fly to an airport 3 hours away from the retreat and take the drive with someone there who offered to pick me up.

Option B was to fly to an airport 1 1/2 hours away from the retreat, rent a car and drive myself.

I would much prefer Option B because I am not too keen on riding for 3 hours with someone I don’t know to a place where I’ll be spending the entire weekend with more people I don’t know to share my personal recovery story. I also don’t like to rely on other people for something as crucial as a ride to and from an airport unless it’s someone I know who is reliable and dependable. Additionally, I’d like to shorten my travel time after flying as much as possible. It’s already going to be three long days with the flying. And I think I’d like the freedom of having my own car, free to come and go as I please and to have some nice quiet time to myself as I drive to my destination.

Seems like a no brainer, right? Well, here’s the catch: the difference in price between the two options is about $200. Since I am going as an invitee, all my expenses are paid for, but that doesn’t mean it’s carte blanche. I still need to be mindful of the expenses and therein lies my dilemma. I was asked to please consider Option A because of the cost savings, and so I felt like that had to be my choice. I contacted my sponsor and a few program friends to get their take on it.

I loved my sponsors answer. She basically said that the best thing to do for everyone involved - me, the people on the retreat committee, the people attending the retreat - is to be true to myself and honor my inner voice and inner child. Her suggestion was to tell the retreat committee that I needed to do Option B, without explaining myself. She reminded me that I didn’t have to apologize or justify my actions. I am simply taking care of myself and when I do that, I’m being kind to everyone around me, too.

When I wrote back to my sponsor, I told her that I was afraid to be considered “high maintenance” by choosing the pricier option, and was ready to just concede to their wishes. I was so grateful to have her perspective and validation affirming my gut reaction. As soon as I let the committee know my decision, all my tensions faded away and I knew in my “knower” that I made the right choice. High maintenance? Possibly, but I’m totally worth it.

Technorati Tags: recovery, self-care

Resolve to be thyself; and know that who finds himself, loses his misery.
–Matthew Arnold

Our need for approval compels us to try to look good - no matter what’s going on. We imagine that somehow everything will be okay as long as it looks okay. Our hearts may be breaking from fear, disillusionment, and rejection, real or imagined, but we keep smiling so that no one will guess. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it so hard to turn to a friend and say, “Hey, I’m hurting. I’ve been having a bad time and I need help”? Would the earth tremble if we said it right out, just like that?

We’re not likely to get what we don’t ask for. Instead of denying that our knees are shaking, our hands are sweating, and our stomachs are in torment, we can admit and share the truth. We don’t have to say “Fine!” when someone in the program asks us how we’re doing. Our real friends aren’t impressed by stiff upper lips; they’re impressed by personal honesty.

Today, I will tell someone the truth about how I feel. If I’m not fine I won’t say that I am.

From the book:

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

Today marks my 5th year of being abstinent from compulsive eating and of being sober. I love the reading above because it embodies so much of why I’m able to be abstinent and sober today and why I could never achieve that state before I came into 12-step programs. I didn’t know about being true to myself. I spent my whole life trying to please others in some way or fashion. Whether it was trying to be “cool” or trying to be “good”, the pendulum swung both ways - never meeting in the middle where the balance lived.

I wear a ring today that says “To Thine Own Self Be True” on it. This ring reminds me that the only way I have a fighting chance of not indulging in my addictions is to be true to myself at all costs. When I am doing right by myself, at my core, then everything else falls into place. It’s so simple. Simple, but not easy.

I’m grateful, so eternally grateful, today for the gift that is my life. The promises of the program have come true in my life and what more could I possibly ask for than that?

Technorati Tags: recovery, 12-step programs, addiction

I was at the dentist’s office this morning where I picked up a recent People magazine. In there was an article which featured three women who had the gastric bypass surgery, and found themselves addicted to other substances once they could no longer abuse food. The contents of the article was no surprise to me. I see and hear about people switching addictions all of the time. These three women chose alcohol, shopping, and cigarettes as their new drugs of choice. I was pleased with the article because they talked about Debtors Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous, and showed how just losing the weight doesn’t fix the bigger problem. I believe that if you’re an addict, you’re going to choose your poison until you get your emotional and spiritual selves fixed. Until then, you’ll just keep picking up or switching addictions. Addiction is a powerful, killing force to be reckoned with and it scares me.

Today I have to be mindful of picking up new addictions, because it comes so easily to me. It’s just who I am at my core. Food is no longer an option, neither is alcohol or drugs or cigarettes. I’ve gone to shopping a bit, and I do need to be careful with that. The internet is also an addiction for me. I find myself getting sucked up into things online and before I know it, hours have gone by. I’ve made changes recently to counteract that, and I’ve been talking to my sponsor about it. I just need to keep repeating the mantra of “moderation in all things”, because it’s not in my nature to do anything moderately. I’m an all or nothing, black or white kind of girl. Living life in the gray is new to me, but I find that I like it. I just have to remember to stay there.

Technorati Tags: addiction, 12 step programs, Overeaters Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous

I want to make a habit of recording my monthly weighing here. Since joining OA, I have only weighed myself on a monthly basis. For too long in my life, I was a slave to those numbers, so it’s just not a good idea for me to be on the scale any more frequently than that. I have found, along with a lot of other wise people, that weighing monthly is a good way to ensure I’m staying on track without becoming so obsessed with the numbers game.

This month I lost another 2 pounds. I have been losing weight for 5 years in a row now. Isn’t that amazing? There was a period of about a year and a half where I stabilized and stayed the same weight, and I thought I was done. I would have been fine with that number, because I was 175 pounds at 5′11″ tall. I wore a size 12 and was very comfortable in my own skin. However, I changed my food plan about 6 months ago and the weight started coming off again. I’ve since lost another 8 pounds, bringing me to 163, for a total of 117 pounds lost all together. Incredible. The most incredible part is how little effort I have put into actually losing the weight. I’ve concentrated on getting well and healthier emotionally and spiritually, while following a sound food plan, and the weight has just come off on its own. It is a true miracle.

Technorati Tags: weight loss, 12 steps, OA, Overeaters Anonymous, recovery

I haven’t done a PayPerPost opp on this blog, but it is approved and just eagerly awaiting the right opportunity to surface. I’m pretty picky, so there probably won’t be a lot of paid postings here. However, I am still technically a Postie, so I’ve participated in the Postie Blog Carnival this time. The theme this edition is food, being hosted at the lovely Loretta’s place!

I submitted my entry titled Overeaters Diary for inclusion.

Technorati Tags: Postie Carnival, blog carnival, blog promotion