Agreement is usually not necessary.

Many of us have lived as if we always had to be right. We did not stop to notice that other things we cared about were being lost such as friends who got tired of our persistent need to be right, or children whose self-esteem was undermined when there was no room for their ideas, or a former mate who drifted away because we could relax only if we were proven right. In our differences there is much more to look at and far more to settle than who is right and who is wrong.

An intimate connection is simply communicating our differences to each other and understanding them. Agreement is usually not necessary. Our partnership gives us an opportunity to view the world intimately through someone else’s eyes. Defeating our differences defeats our opportunities to learn. We need just exclaim, Oh that’s another way to see it!

Our task is to learn how our partner sees the world. We grow because we gain a second outlook.

You are reading from the book:

The More We Find In Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum

Before I got into recovery, I thought love equated to always agreeing. If you didn’t agree with me, that meant you discarded a part of me, and to protect myself from your contempt, I would be sure to let you know how much I thought you sucked first. That was easy enough to do with people I didn’t have a big emotional attachment to, but for my close friends and loved ones, it was always such a huge internal conflict. If you didn’t agree with me, didn’t that mean you didn’t like me? How could we be friends/lovers if we don’t always agree?

Where does that line of thinking come from? I obviously learned it somewhere along the way. I’m glad that I “unlearned” it because I have so much more peace today knowing that disagreeing is not a bad thing. I love knowing that everyone is allowed to have a different opinion about every single thing they want to and it doesn’t reflect one tiny iota on how much they like or dislike me. It’s not about me. But that’s a concept for a whole ‘nother blog entry.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
–Winston Churchill

So many times, courage is thought of as only the first part of that sentence. Having the fortitude to stand up and say your truth does take courage, especially if your truth isn’t the popular opinion. However, I think the quiet courage of knowing when to shut up and listen is so often overlooked. Winston Churchill was a wise man, if this quote is any indicator.

Why would it take courage to listen, you might ask. This was a foreign concept to me, too, until a few years ago. If you weren’t in the fray, spouting off your opinion, then you were a coward in my eyes. But today I see that it takes courage, strength, and wisdom to be quiet and listen to what others are saying, especially in times of turmoil. Listening - truly listening - requires an open mind and patience. Having an open mind and being patient are not easy for a lot of people, so doing so is an act of courage.

In another vein, knowing when you don’t have the answers and admitting that takes courage. Saying, “I’m going to be quiet and listen to what you have to say since I am not sure what to do here,” takes a lot of courage. Fear of looking stupid stops a lot of people from actually being quiet and listening in these instances.

As for me, I think I have more courage of the first variety. I’m not usually afraid to open my mouth, but I don’t always know when to shut it.

Today’s thought is:

I love this reading. It reminds me so much of the Serenity Prayer which asks to know the difference between what I can and can’t change. I’ve heard the Serenity Prayer modified somewhat that goes like this, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (everyone else), the courage to change the things I can (me) and the wisdom to know the difference”. Isn’t that great? If I can remember that every time I lose my serenity that it’s me that needs to change, I’d have a lot less frustrating days.